In an incredible stroke of fortune, I recently acquired a complete set of Britannica’s Great Books as well as a set of their Great Ideas Program which guides one through the Great Books thematically. As an educator, I’ve leaped right into the course on a Liberal Education. The content of this may serve for post material in the future, but for now I wanted to share a discussion of definition that I had with my wife Jen based on our reading of Plato’s Apology.
Jen commented that she always wondered why it was called “Apology.” In our contemporary culture, apology implied admission of guilt and sorrow. A direction like “Go apologize to your sister for hurting her feelings,” helps to shape this understanding of verb. The child is taught to simply say the words “I’m sorry” and have therefore successfully apologized. This is a missed opportunity to develop virtue and confrontational skills that many young people lack today. A modern apology is typically boiled down to “Say you’re sorry” when it ought to encompass three distinct things: Apology, Confession, and Sorrow.
Let’s establish a few definitions. All are taken from Etymonline with bold emphasis added by me.
Apology: early 15c., "defense, justification," from Late Latin apologia, from Greek apologia "a speech in defense," from apologeisthai "to speak in one's defense," from apologos "an account, story," from apo "away from, off" (see apo-) + logos "speech" (see Logos).
This definition is pretty clear cut. The site goes on to explain how this may have shifted to our current use, but for our purposes this is sufficient.
Confess: late 14c., transitive and intransitive, "make avowal or admission of" (a fault, crime, sin, debt, etc.), from Old French confesser (transitive and intransitive), from Vulgar Latin *confessare, a frequentative form from Latin confess-, past participle stem of confiteri "to acknowledge," from assimilated form of com "together" (see con-) + fateri "to admit," akin to fari "speak,"
This is a key component of a “modern” apology. The admission of guilt is implied by that very act, and yet we don’t typically do this but instead assume that guilt is implied by the apologizing party.
Sorry: Middle English sori, from Old English sarig "distressed, grieved, full of sorrow" (not found in the physical sense of "sore"), from Proto-Germanic *sairiga- "painful" (source also of Old Saxon serag, Middle Dutch seerigh "sore; sad, sorry," Dutch zeerig "sore, full of sores," Old High German serag, Swedish sårig "sore, full of sores"), from *sairaz "pain" (physical and mental); related to *saira- "suffering, sick, ill" (see sore (adj.)).
This is what a young boy or girl learns indirectly as the purpose of an apology and if they don’t appear sufficiently sorrowful, they risk their apology being rejected.
What people have come to expect from an apology is actually Penitence- "sorrow for committing sin or for having offended, with the intention of amending one's life; mortification undertaken to make amends for sin.”
This is an abuse of language that malforms the minds of individuals to both create and submit to arbitrary interpersonal power structures that are dictated by the intensity of one’s emotional responses to hurting or having been hurt. If your penitence doesn’t match the offendee’s wrath, then your apology is insincere, and too often you are deemed insufficiently human and dismissed as cruel and misunderstanding. Anyone who has had a falling out with a friend or family member can certainly relate to this.
The formula for a healthy apology should be as simple as this: admission of one’s role in the offense of the other (confession), a truthful and logical explanation of why they acted this way (apology), and a sincere expression that harm is not the intention of the action, but rather an unfortunate side effect (appropriate sorrow).
Penitence is not necessary for a sincere apology. An apology should work both parties towards understanding, rather than agreement. Kids need to be taught this from an early age so that the tyranny of emotion doesn’t sink its talons deep into their hearts as they learn to navigate interpersonal relationships. This approach to apologizing should strengthen our ability to recognize that the emotional response of other people should not be their primary consideration for whether or not to act. Once this is understood, seeds of the virtue of prudence are sown so that a child will naturally be inclined to act more tactfully, and communicate more clearly prior to acting in order to mitigate extreme emotional responses to necessary actions rather than callously ignoring the emotions of other.
Understanding the proper place of emotion actually allows us all to become much MORE human than our fallen nature would allow us if left unchecked.
I’ve come around this before when I was wondering why the defense of the faith is called “apologetics.” I loved the breakdown! Good darts!